So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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