Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
