the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
