Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
