Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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