Thanks for last night it was amazing as always
What are you talking about
You've got to be kidding me
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
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