The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
