Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
