Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
Randomize
