i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Randomize