dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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