You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
