I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
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