nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Randomize
