her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
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