How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
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