shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
