I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
