i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
jump out the window naked night went bad
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