UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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