I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
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