I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
