I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Randomize
