new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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