i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
