i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize
