i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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