we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
