I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
