I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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