I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
