His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Randomize
