Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
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