We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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