his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
