Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
worst night to have a conscience
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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