Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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