So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Randomize
