Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
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