Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Randomize
