I can't breathe out the right side of my face
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
