someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Randomize
