you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
