Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
