i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
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