my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize