ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
ok first of all what the fuck
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize