everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I look better un-naked...
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
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