i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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