Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
