Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
