Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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