I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Randomize
