I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
