The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Randomize
