She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Randomize
