Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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