Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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