I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
