So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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