I think i peed on brittanys purse
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
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