Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Randomize
