Three words: puerto rican gang bang
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
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