I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
