I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
you made out with another girl for some wings
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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