he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
she looked like the before picture.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
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