OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Randomize
