We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
