I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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